Autumn Forever

 I wish I had taken more pictures. More vids. I wish I had collected more memories of the friendship we shared over the years spent together as best friends. I didn't do these things because you were constantly in my life; a rare treasure to someone as unsettled as me. You were the one person I knew for sure would always be there, and now you're gone. I spent hours searching every USB memory stick and external hard-drive for memories of you, hoping to see you one last time just as I had always remembered you: smiling as though tomorrow could hold no heartache and laughing each and every day away. I remember how we would go out on the weekends (and weeknights) and I would drink and drink and drink, and you would too, but you'd also dance to the club music (which I thought was ridiculous). I'd just sit back on the sidelines and drink while watching you shake your booty all over the dance floor and wait for you to get tired out and come back to me. Then we would drink together and talk and I'd make silly jokes about how ridiculous dancing is and you would laugh at me and sometimes agree and then try and drag me out on that dreaded dance floor just to prove how much fun it was. And then that one time... that ONE TIME, Autumn... you actually got me out there and we danced to Hey Ya by Outkast which was super weird because it's not an easy song to dance to and all the people on the dance floor were like WTF and trying to figure out how to groove to such a weird beat, but I was in heaven because I didn't know how to dance and it was a song I loved because Outkast is weird and I'm weird too and everything felt Oh So Perfect right then.

That's how I remember you and all the time we spent together. We were oddly weird and perfect sidekicks; inseparable for so many years. Even when the occasional boyfriend or girlfriend would enter the picture, you and I remained steadfast friends. We helped each other through all the bullshit. We chose laughter over tears every time and I love you so much for that.

I miss you so much, Autumn. You were a perfect friend. You accepted me for all my weirdness and was there for me no matter what. I'm not an easy person to have around, I know this. I am insatiable and bat-shit crazy and full of wild ideas and larger-than-landscape-dreams, but you never grew tired of me. You were always there, never judging my indecision, and I was always there, never judging your taste in plain hamburgers with nothing on them and dance music that rolled my eyes. We truly were great friends.

I never figured out how to grow up, Autumn, but you did. You accomplished more in your last eight years of life than I did in my entire 44. You adopted the two sweetest twin rascals this earth has ever seen and you gave them eight years of love and joy and protection that they would've never experienced otherwise. You did something so huge that it baffles my barbaric brain and trips my heart up like a school girl waiting for her wedding. This is how selfish I am and how beautiful you are: I remember thinking at the time, when you decided to adopt Markus and Marcelo, that all our old fun times were over. And I was correct. Things became different after that. No more drinking at bars or dancing at clubs or staying up way too late on work nights. Nope, the party life was over. You became a warrior mom who focused on the love and adoration of two baby boys who needed you way more than I needed a party friend. It felt as though you grew up overnight and I was left standing alone holding my gin & tonic and at first I didn't know what to make of it. But gradually, over time, I began to understand that you had discovered the true meaning of life.

Our partying got replaced with meeting up with you and your boys and I got to see a brand new you. I never saw you so happy before. Sure, you were exhausted. A LOT. You were a single mom raising two fully loaded pistols, but the constant look of true love I saw in your eyes every moment you looked at them... I will never forget it. You helped me understand what life means. You sacrificed your own life and fun times and memories spent with ridiculous friends like me to create a future for two young children who would have otherwise had none, and nothing can top that level of heroism. Yeah, I know. You would be making fun of me so hard right now if you heard me calling you my hero, but son-of-a-bitch, Autumn, you truly are a hero to me and I can't stop crying because I miss you so much. My heart hurts when I think how trivial earth feels without you in it and I want you to know, forever and a minute, that you were/are the greatest human I've ever known. I love you so much, and your boys love you, and your family loves you, and all of the friends you made while you were alive...

WE ALL LOVE YOU IN THIS LIFE AND LONG INTO THE NEXT.