Flying Spatula (A Knife Tale)

 I walked into the Flying Spatula and was immediately greeted by everyone seated inside the diner (I was going to call it a restaurant, but I hate trying to remember how that word is spelled, so it's a diner). Actually, it says 'diner' right on the wall, so I'm good. Having just been greeted by a room full of strangers I decided to perpetuate the feeling of an AA meeting by standing beside an empty table and introducing myself.

"Hello everyone, my name is Solarjinx and I am a knifeaholic."

"HI SOLARJINX"

I took my seat at the empty table and a waitress instantly appeared, seemingly from out of nowhere. It was as though I sat on a magic call button.

"Hi shuga, coffee and a menu?"

I already knew what I wanted so I said yes and began placing my food order as well, but she politely stopped me by placing her 'shoosh' finger to my lips and whispered, "I'm sorry, but we don't do that here. I'll be right back with your coffee and menu, sweetie."

I watched her walk away and noticed that everyone was still staring at me, so I awkwardly raised both of my fists into the air like a champion would and gave my arms several short pumps before lowering them. That seemed to be enough. Everyone resumed what they were previously doing and I waited for my coffee and menu to appear. In the meantime, I pulled out my pocket knife and started cleaning my fingernail grime. From the table directly next to me I could hear an elder lady whisper, "Look, he really is addicted. So sad."

I ignored her, but took mental notes on her size and approximate agility in case she became a problem after breakfast.

My coffee finally arrived and a menu was placed down in front of me, to which I slid back toward the waitress without opening.

"I'll have two eggs over easy, hashbrowns, and bac..."

The waitress cut me off midsentence with her 'shoosh' finger again and quietly sat down beside me. She had that look on her face. The same look a doctor has when he is about to deliver devastating news to a family in the waiting room.

"I'm so sorry, shuga, but we don't have the food."

I thought about what she was telling me for a few seconds. I played with her words inside of my head. I didn't like the way she had phrased it. What did she mean by 'they don't have "the" food'? It confused me; threw me off. I set my knife down and asked her for more words, to which she replied,

"We just don't have it, I'm sorry. Are you okay with just the coffee?"

Even more confused, I slid the menu back to myself, flipped it open, and to my astonishment, found it to be completely empty. Nothing, no food listed anywhere at all, just the word 'coffee' beneath the word 'BREAKFAST'. I flipped to the lunch and dinner sections and found them to be the same. No food.

"I know it seems kinda crazy," she continued, "but our town ran out of food several months back and we've just been making do with coffee. We have lots of coffee! Free refills too!" she added excitedly.

It was at this moment that I started to realize why everyone kept staring at me. I noticed every person seated around me had forks and knives placed in front of them even though the diner was out of food. I heard the door lock behind me and quickly turned around to see the old lady whisperer standing in guard mode with a fork in one hand and a knife in the other. I heard a clammering sound and turned around to see the rest of the people all grabbing up their forks and knives. They began tapping them up and down on the table tops, creating a hypnotic drum beat that resonated throughout the small diner. My waitress made a quick grab at my knife, but I was too fast for her and I quickly stood up while pushing her away from me and for the next thirty five minutes I battled against nine Flying Spatula residents who hadn't eaten in months. They put up a damn good fight, but I was not about to die in upsate New York. I managed to escape through the empty kitchen and wiggle my way through a small, half-open window.

Here is the knife I used to fight off the hungry New Yorkers. It is a custom Todd Begg Bodega with vintage Westinghouse Micarta inlaid in a mirrored DLC titanium frame.