Friday, August 4, 2017

Pretend I'm Human

My last blog entry was about a sociopath and a broken boy and according to my email inbox and my comment box, nobody reads me anymore. Perfect. I think my blogging hiatus was long enough to have lost any followers/readers I may have gained over the past many years. Now I can write in solitude, knowing that only the walls are listening. And these walls look hungry for absorption. Vertical flatness of being. Manufactured existence. I can hear their bones bend beneath painted skin. They probably need something more fulfilling, but I'll give 'em what I've got and hope they don't start closing in on me mid-sentence.

Okay, so now that I got that over with, what's next? Sex. Sure, why not. Seems like a logical flow of thought. My brain moves straight from "the earth sucks and humans are ridiculous blood bags" to "let's talk about sex, baby". Sure, let's do it. After I'm done writing this blog entry I'm going to watch the following film:
Why? Because it fell on my doorstep, so to speak. And for social studies, duh. I wish that my curiosity of human sexual desire was equally matched by my own sexual appetite, but let this blog entry be my stepping out of the asexual closet, so to speak. I'm sure if you read my last blog entry then you must have thoughts and questions. And since I'm drinking and stuck inside my fucking truck (I said fucking haha) I've decided to pontificate. What does being asexual mean (to me) exactly? Here, let me explain.

Over the course of my life I have been in numerous serious relationships with women. Was even married once. I am capable of love. I am also capable of commitment, although this is where it gets convoluted. In my mind, commitment translates to being honest, faithful, caring, respectful and helpful to another. In past relationships I have definitely been all of these things, which makes me an awesome boyfriend/husband. However, you'll notice sex wasn't included in that list. I am painfully aware of how sexual our species is and how important sex is to a lasting relationship, which herein lies my problem. My sex drive has always been a 2 on a scale of 1 to 10, sometimes lower even, and this poses a massive threat towards me having a lasting relationship with another. And let me tell you what... it sucks. Miserably so.

I've never told anyone this before; this is my big asexual secret. I obviously didn't have to tell my former lovers. They figured it out the hard way and I'm remorseful for allowing it to happen repeatedly. I'm still human, which means I still have the need for attention, affection, connection... and even sex, but only at times. Picture a camel taking a long gulp of water from an oasis. Now picture that same camel walking laboriously across a thousand mile wide desert without having the need to take another drink. Yeah, that's pretty much what my sex drive is like. I don't have the daily, weekly, or even monthly need to have sex. I can literally go months without the desire.

So why am I saying all of this now? Because it's the weekend and I don't have any other shit to do. I'm stuck inside a truck! Because the moment felt right. Because I'm tired of keeping it all inside. Because current circumstances dictated my hand and heart. Because the Clippers lost to the Celtics. Heck if I know, I just felt like writing and this is what came out. Do with it what you want. Comment and ask questions, I'll answer. Forward it to a friend, I don't really care. Honestly, I'm hoping nobody reads this anymore anyway. I'm writing this one for myself, really, but if it makes its way to someone else and they're glad they read it, then I'm cool with that.

P.S. I don't really know if the Clippers lost to the Celtics. Hell, I don't even know if they play against each other. I just picked two C letter sport teams because I enjoy a little alliteration in my life. Alright, I've embarrassed myself enough with this entry, I'll shut up now. Next one I write will be uplifting and much less revealing, I promise. Bye.

2 comments:

  1. Hey I read your blog! Soecial K 😏

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  2. I just read quite a few of your blog entries. I know our "friendship" was weird and crazy but this entry made me understand you better. When I stayed with you that time, now this all makes perfect sense now. I wish I had known. LOL Keep on truckin...

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