Wednesday, June 16, 2010

DT Baby!

I got pulled for a random U.A. at work today, balls. Now, before I tell you why this drug test turned into a big deal I'll begin by saying that once upon a time I used to sweat these kind of tests for real. Yes, ladies and gentlefuckers, I used to smoke weed. A lot. It seems like forever and a day ago since the last time I blazed up, but I used to smoke copious amounts of bud every single day. The heck, I used to buy so much that I'd sell bags to my friends. I guess that sort of means I used to be a drug dealer too, imagine that. I'm pretty sure this revelation would blow the minds of my current coworkers, I have a feeling none of them have even been into a fist fight, and here I come along, Mr. Rebel Without A Cause, here to disrupt their good senses with my hard elbow to the throat of society. Sometimes I wonder what they really think about me. Wow, how was that for a derail of thought?

Ok, back to my story. So I got selected to piss into a cup after work today. Hey, no problem, I can pass with flying colors this day and age. Here's where the story gets a lil funky town though. I had Taco Bell for lunch, and by the time I was clocking out from work my ass felt like a tambourine on fire, you know. Oh man I had to let it loose! But I also had to drive over to the piss shop and pee in a cup, this was a problem. I wasn't sure what to do, really. Everyone knows that when you do number 1 you always do number 2 simultaneously. And there's no way to do number 1 without doing number 2 if you have to do number 2, so basically I was in a shitty situation (heh).

I drove over to the pee-in-cup-place and walked inside with papers in hand. The lady at the desk told me to wait over there ------> so I did. After a few minutes she walked me to the back where the business would get done. She went through her lengthy spiel (all-the-while I was squeezing back a Cleveland Steamer ready to shoot loose) and asked me if I had any questions. I answered by saying, "I have to take a gigantic shit. I've been holding this beast in for the past hour, unbeknownst to me that I was going to have to piss into your cup after work today. I don't know what to do. I know that when I begin pissing the shit will surely follow, any advice?"

The lady's eyes locked onto my own in a terrified manner, I could tell she was slightly uncomfortable with the words I just spoke to her. Struggling, she replied "Um, I have to look at the temperature of your urine right after you submit it, so I guess just hand it out to me as soon as you're through." I could tell she was dreading the impending exchange of bodily fluids, but I am not Jesus, I perform no miracles. I told her I'd hand my piss out the door as soon as I was done. Embarrassing for the both of us, I'm sure. Ugh, what a dreadful occurrence.

I sat down, I pissed, I shit, I cracked opened the door and handed her the piss-in-a-cup, and quickly closed the door again to block out the uncomfortable sadness.

Hey remember that furniture I was so excited about getting? Yeah, well I got it and brought it back to my apartment and it didn't fit through the doorway into my room. What a major disappointment. I feel like moving into a different place, a place with regular sized doorways. Or I feel like demolishing this ghetto fabulous house I live in. Either way, here are the many pillows and cushions from the sofa/love seat set piled high on my bed: And here is the sofa and love seat tetris'd together at my friend's spare room: Nice huh!


  1. This one was random and awesome. Laughed my ass off. That fucking taco bell is a harsh mistress.

  2. I like how you tetris things together, dark and mysterious. *wink* did you really say that to the drug test woman? I hope so, and if so. ... of course you would. You seem to be that kind of a fellow. I see this was posted a long time ago, sorry for the delay, I had to read something other than "the bees"

  3. That's okay, the bees is one for the fun books! I'm glad you enjoyed it.


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