Monday, February 8, 2010

Hole In The Sole

I'll start this off a little hokey & sad, then I'll move on to just plain sick, then I'll finish with some weird and funny. Think you guys can handle all that? I hope so, it'd be pointless for me to write this otherwise.

So I've decided that my cell phone has become nothing more than a plastic ornament that hangs on my hip. Before, when my girlfriend and I were still together, my cell would vibrate all throughout the day. We were texting fools, her and me. It was the best way to get through each day while we were at work. Dumb pics of ourselves (or others), jokes, silly comments, utter nonsense, it didn't matter we texted it all. I probably don't even need to explain it, I'm pretty sure everyone reading this knows exactly what I mean. So imagine, if you will, that the one person you text all the time suddenly wasn't there anymore. Imagine your cell phone completely quiet all throughout the day. It's so very strange now, creepy quiet. I can't tell you how many times a day I feel the familiar vibration buzzing through my hip bone, reach down and pull out my phone only to find nothing there, no text, nada. I swear it's like the phantom limb syndrome! Very bizarre, and sad. Grr, I miss so many things.

Ok, moving on to just plain sick.

I have to feed myself everyday, turns out humans have appetites and must stave them off in order to continue living. I try to do okay by myself, I try to avoid the worst possible crap that I can put into my stomach and instead I go for the second worse crap whenever possible. Even better, I make it a point to buy salad stuff from the grocery store and eat them regularly at home. I enjoy a large salad topped with chopped mushrooms, carrots, sweet pickles, onions, bell peppers, green olives and cherry tomatoes. I love it. I mix it up in a huge silver bowl and go to town. Here's where it gets sick. Just today I heard a news story that said Consumer Report has identified that 39% of packaged salads contain fecal bacteria. They tested 200+ salads from 16 different brands and the results were quite shitty (pun intended). The Federal Government regulates our water, milk, and meat, but apparently the produce industry isn't under Big Brother's finger just yet. Even if the package claims it's contents have been "triple washed" don't believe it for a second, chances are you're eating shit-covered lettuce, my friend. Mmmm baby!

Now moving on to weird and funny.

I have a pair of sneakers I bought awhile ago. I got them because they look really cool and are very comfortable, and they're Adidas brand which I'm fond of. What I didn't know at the time of purchase is this particular style is designed specifically for avid runners. Why is that a problem, you might ask? Here's why. Incorporated into the sole of the shoe are four quarter-sized mesh holes which allow the sneaker to breathe. Awesome if you're a runner, not-so-awesome if you're using them as everyday foot devices. You see, it rains a lot in Oregon, and when it rains puddles form in flat areas, and when puddles form sometimes people step in them. It happens, no big deal. Unless of course the sneakers you're wearing happen to have HOLES IN THE SOLES! Grr... so now every time it rains (every day) I literally have to think about walking while I'm walking. I have to calculate my path through parking lots as to avoid even the shallowest of puddles, lest the inside of my shoes and socks become instantly wet. It only takes a moment of forgetfulness and then... squish, squish, squish!

So there ya have it, my very first blog at Enjoy!


  1. It's an auspicious beginning. And I'm now going to go run my salad through the dishwasher. Thanks.

  2. "you're an island of reality in an ocean of diarrhea" <blue october (i think) i love this line


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